Does 'parenting' have an evolution?

 

How things have changed, but......not completely

I decided to write this article a day after Onam (Coronam, maybe). I don’t have an explanation for the motivation to write this, but, something happened which forced me to spare a thought.

Being in a middle class family from South India, I would say that parents have always influenced my life. I express my gratitude to them wholly, but were we pampered all our life or are we leading a life of dependency?

It’s too early for a person in her early twenties to understand this thought, however, this needs to be addressed at this point, especially, when most of us are sitting back at our homes.

Parents are always proud of their wards, agree or not? Some tend to express it and some may not. This is completely individual and I don’t want to brood in this thought at any cost. But when does this turn toxic?

Let’s get into a quick incident. Karaoke was a popular part during a pre-Corona events. You are seeing a little girl singing. Let’s assume that this child is winning a cash prize as well. Enthralled by her talent and her success, you are telling your 7-year-old daughter/son, “Look how well she sings and wins money for her family and look at you?”

End of the imaginary situation!

What was seriously wrong here?

Positive side, you enjoyed the show. But did your child enjoy the same? He/she might have, until the moment you spoke. Stepping into the kid’s shoes, the first thing you have fed into their mind is dissatisfaction of what he/she owns. The kid thinks that he doesn’t have any innate talent. He just witnessed you comparing him with a girl who sings. Unfortunately, your child might be an artist whom you have failed to notice yet. The next instinct which happens is, he starts doing things which he never wished to. Due to the comparison which you just made, this little one thinks that you will be happy only if he sings. He may excel or fail in the attempt. But what happened now? He himself fails to notice that he was in love with paper, pens and colours. The child might forget this incident sooner or later, but the tendency to compare lies within. Quick question. How many of us have lied to our parents our friend’s marks? Exactly! Why did we do that? Because, if our parents comes to know that our friends have scored more than us, they tend to compare. This is not much seen in the millennial parents as far as I have observed.

I remember my dad telling that he was stopped from going to college because his father wanted him to work soon after PUC! The family needed him to work during that time of the hour and he had no option. Whereas I quit my job just because I wanted to focus on my studies a bit more seriously. During Diwali, he reiterates this same story every year.....

“Amma used to give one sweet to everyone. We used to wait for it. And that’s it! If you want more, you will be thrashed instead. Also, we didn’t have enough money to buy crackers. So we used to go along the streets, pickup the crackers which has gone lose from bigger crackers and burst it. That was our kind of enjoyment.”

I am an environmentalist and I always disliked the idea of ‘burning’ crackers. But I did have at least two big boxes when I was a child. However, sweets or food were never a concern. If I wish to order something at this moment, I have all liberty and options to fulfil my craving.

The reason why I compared my dad’s childhood with mine at this moment is to make the reader understand how fortunate we are. Our parents provide us with our needs no matter their sacrifices. Maybe we are not able to understand just because we are pampered beyond limits. Also, our needs are met almost immediately. This means that we haven’t known how waiting feels like. This is where we bombard into the evils of comparison!

We feel insecure at the moment we are compared. Until then, we were grateful with what we have or what we were provided with. But once comparison enters into the play, we fall victims to dissatisfaction as I had mentioned earlier. This has forced us to do something, which we don’t even enjoy doing. This force us lead a life of ‘unnoticed’ misery. This tends to affect our mental health on a long run and we never address that as well, because, again, we fear being ‘compared’ with the ones we were ‘compared’ earlier.

I agree, it’s wonderful to see our child win applauses, but, what matters to your child most is your recognition. If that happens, then the rest follows and vice versa. I remember reading somewhere that children are like clay. You are not supposed to pour too much water while making a pot as it will end up being a damp piece of soil  and you are not supposed to pour in less water as the clay may harden and break. The right proportion followed by the baking makes a pot. Similarly, when a child is poured in with the right amount of love, encouragement and learning he/she is ready to face enter the ‘kiln’ of life, better!